Hmmm.
[url]http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4702[/url]
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Hmmm.
[url]http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4702[/url]
*1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of.
Me,*for I may not follow. Do.
Not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.
And* a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal.
Your.
Neighbor's newspaper, that's.
The time to do it.*
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be.
Promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as.
A bad*example.*
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.*
*
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple*of*car payments.*
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their*shoes. That way, when you*criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.*
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.*
*
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to*
Fish*and he will sit in a boat &*drink beer all day.*
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it.
Was*probably worth it.*
*
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.*
*
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.*
*
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.*
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.*
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes*from bad judgment.*
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half.
And*put*it in your pocket.*
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain.
Dance.*
*
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.*
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark.
Side,*and*it holds the universe together.*
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one.
Works.*
*
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is*moving.*
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you.
Need*it.**
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.*
*
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.*
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
[QUOTE=WorldTravel69]Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work[/QUOTE]Damn! It is Just like in my homeland!
Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.
[QUOTE=QuakHunter]Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.[/QUOTE]Damn right Quack, the good ol' days! (Sigh)
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman:
You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me - Bubba.":)
Man Dies After 12-hour Viagra-fueled Orgy.
February 26, 2009
MOSCOW -- He won the bet, but lost his life.
Police say 2 women bet their friend Sergey Tuganov that he couldn't keep up with them during a 12-hour sex marathon.
The prize, $4,300.
Tuganov took the bet and decided to boost his chances of winning by downing a bottle of Viagra.
It worked. He won the wager.
But just minutes later, the 28-year-old mechanic died of a heart attack, Moscow police said.
"We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do," said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina.
But they are funny, stupid too:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the equipment to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Considering the hard times are here, probably for long and everywhere I am adopting this philosophy:
If life turns her back on you, take your right hand and grab her ass!
Was this one ever shown on TV?
[url]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/551763/indecent_proposal/[/url]