Jokes / One liners

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

7 to point out spelling / grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling / grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb". Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[QUOTE=Aqualung]How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?[/QUOTE]and of course...

1 Exon to proclaim everyone as "Cocksuckers and Motherfuckers".

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Bushmill's Irish Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

An aging Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked desperately, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Wouldn't you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban screamed at him, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

When the little Jewish man asked if he felt better now, the Taliban barely muttered "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

A man and his wife were watching a TV program on psychology, when the man turned to his wife and said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "Of course I can: you've got the biggest penis of all your friends."

I was depressed last night so I rang a suicide hotline.

I was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Any Love is Better Than No Love!

An old guys walks into his neighborhood bar, grinning from ear to ear. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks," What in the world happened to you? I've never seen you smile like that."

Old guy says, "Well, after I left here last night I was walking by the railroad track and I saw a woman lying on the tracks. I picked her up and took her back to my house, and we had the best sex of my life, all night! Every position, every fantasy, it was wonderful!

"Was she very pretty?" asked the bartender.

"I don't know," replied old guy. "I didn't find her head.

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it is that if any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, he is someone you don't want to mess with."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by.

Almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls.

That could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have.

Never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old.

Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular.

Numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the.

Numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde.

Stepped out.

The father then said quietly to his son.

"Go get your mother."

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things.

People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published.

By court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these.

Exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

***

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

***

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

***

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.;

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

***

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

***

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he.

Doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

***

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

***

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

***

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

***

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new.

Attorney?

***

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

***

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

***

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition.

Notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

***

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead.

People?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

***

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

***

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

***

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

***

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a.

Pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began.

The autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing.

Law.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and
threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

Lincoln and Obama are very much alike:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.