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[QUOTE=Thomaso276]PM with offers[/QUOTE]LOL!
My brother recently bought a t-shirt on EBay that says on the back:
01-20-09
THE END OF AN ERROR
A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters / gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster during the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the inventions of beer and the the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These two make up the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct.
Subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women the rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule, because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, soldiers, airmen, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.
To other true believers and to more liberals --- just to piss them off.
1. Bush: End of an Error.
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway.
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First.
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran.
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President.
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant!
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight.
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore.
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance.
12. They call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief.
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap.
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language.
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About Wh ite People, Either.
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dub'ya, Your Dad Should'a Pulled Out, too!
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment.
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century.
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod.
30. 2004: Embarrassed, 2005: Horrified, 2006: Terrified.
31. Bush Never Exhaled.
32. At Least Nixon Resigned
[url]http://www.sexyandfunny.com/watch_video/bj-from-hell_531.html[/url]
[url]http://www.zooomr.com/photos/denisgobo/3084439/[/url]
Nice one Syd, good punchline.
Not really a joke, but it is funny;
[url]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_tXzKpmRrFs[/url]
(See how quick she recovers! )
A man and his wife are discussing different ways to save money.
The husband says, "Honey, learn to cook so we can fire the maid!"
The wife retorts, "Learn to eat pussy so we can fire the gardener!"
This was shamelessly stolen from Orang05!
---------------------------------------------
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars laying around, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank to change them out.
It was a short line, just one lady in front of me; An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was getting a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
There's always something to learn or to try, many times you need to say
some phrase in Spanish but you don't know how to say it, don't worry,
Your problems have finished. If your are a gringo and you don't speak
Spanish, this will be helpful in your learning.
For an instance, some common phrases, just try and you're.
Gonna see the difference and how easy is to speak Spanish.
Esta es la mejor parte: leanlo en ingles, esta genial!
1. Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm gonna have a dinner.
2. N L C John = en el sillon = on the armchair.
3. Be a hope and son = viejo panzon = fat old man.
4. Who and see to seek ago = Juancito se cago = Little John is a.
Chickenshit.
5. S toy tree stone = estoy triston = I'm kind a sad.
6. Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little rags.
7. Desk can saw = descanso = (you) rest.
8. As say toon as = aceitunas = olives.
9. The head the star mall less stan dough = deje de estar Molestando =
Stop bugging me.
10. See eye = si hay = yes we have.
11. T n s free o? = tienes frio = are you cold?
12. T N S L P P be N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso = you have an.
Erection.
13. Tell o boy ah in cruise tar = Te lo voy a incrustar = I'm goingTo.
Insert it in you
A New York Lawyer on vacation runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Florida State Trooper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that.
He has a better education then any Florida Trooper. He decides to prove this to himself and have.
Some fun at the Florida cop's expense!
Florida Trooper says," License and registration, please."
New York Lawyer says, "What for?"
Florida Trooper says, "y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
New York Lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
Florida Trooper says, "y'all still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
New York Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Florida Trooper says, "The difference is, you gotta come to complete stop, that's the law,. Licence and registration, please!"
New York Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Florida Trooper says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The New York Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Florida Trooper takes out his baton, starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says,.
" Do y'all want me to stop, or just slow down?"
I want to see Exon do this with Hilda.
[url]http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?autostart=false&token=2a7_1194023452[/url]
I must give credit to Caveman01 for this idea.
[QUOTE=Doggboy]I want to see Exon do this with Hilda.
[url]http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?autostart=false&token=2a7_1194023452[/url]
I must give credit to Caveman01 for this idea.[/QUOTE]My question is who should be on top bring spinned. My vote is Exon.
Exon was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call his bluff, "OK, Exon, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Exon and his boss fly out to Hollywood, knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Head of the Dick! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Exon's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Exon that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, you just name anyone else," Exon says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Exon say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." At the White House, Bush spots Exon on the tour and motions him and his boss over, "Exon, what a great surprise, I was just heading to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in first and let's catch up. You were right about that god damn war and I shoulda listened, you gotta help me figure a way outta this mess."
The boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Exon, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," the boss replies. "Sure!" says Exon. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Exon and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Exon says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Exon emerges with the Pope on the balcony, with some hooker swingen from his joint, and waves, but by the time Exon returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by Exedra girls in nurses uniforms.
Making his way to his boss' side, Exon asks him, "What happened boss?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Exon"
The farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm, and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't. He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither," the boy replied. "She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
[url]http://www.redtube.com/3767[/url]
Exon
First, God asks Peyton Manning, "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Brett Favre, "And you, Brett, what do you believe?" Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Guy walks down the beach and sees a armless and legless girl. She is crying. He picks her up and asks why is she crying. She says she is 20 and never been kissed. So he kisses her. Good dfk kind. Nice he thinks.
Then she keeps crying and he asks why. She says she is 20 and never been fucked. He thinks about the kiss, looks at her condition. Takes her down to the edge where the waves are coming in. Sets her down slowly, smiles and says.
Now you are fucked.
Installing a Husband
Dear Tech Support,.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
====================
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try downloading Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. at least intermittantly.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Best wishes,.
Tech Support
After having spent four months doing business in Argentina this year I sadly returned home to the States, whereupon my father asked me if I saved any money while in Buenos Aires.
I had to be honest with him.
I said, " Dad, they have casinos in Buenos Aires where I gambled but did not win".
I proceeded to explain that the bar I frequented was open 24 hours a day, and that I spent a disproportionate amount of time and money on beer and whiskey for myself and whoever else happened to be there.
Finally, I explained to my father about the women of Buenos Aires.
I said, "Dad, the women in Buenos Aires are famous for their beauty and sensuality. You can spend the whole day gazing at the extraordinary way they carry themselves when they walk on the street. I tried to behave myself, Dad, and stay away from the brothels and bawdy houses, but I was worn down and I was weak. I got hooked and spent untold amounts of money on these women, Pop".
"The rest of my money", I confessed to my beleagured father, "I spent foolishly".
[QUOTE=HairBalderman]After having spent four months doing business in Argentina this year I sadly returned home to the States, whereupon my father asked me if I saved any money while in Buenos Aires.
I had to be honest with him.
I said, " Dad, they have casinos in Buenos Aires where I gambled but did not win".
I proceeded to explain that the bar I frequented was open 24 hours a day, and that I spent a disproportionate amount of time and money on beer and whiskey for myself and whoever else happened to be there.
Finally, I explained to my father about the women of Buenos Aires.
I said, "Dad, the women in Buenos Aires are famous for their beauty and sensuality. You can spend the whole day gazing at the extraordinary way they carry themselves when they walk on the street. I tried to behave myself, Dad, and stay away from the brothels and bawdy houses, but I was worn down and I was weak. I got hooked and spent untold amounts of money on these women, Pop".
"The rest of my money", I confessed to my beleagured father, "I spent foolishly".[/QUOTE]I think the great George Best said it best:
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."
Two chicas were walking down Cordoba near the Lálliance reastaurant one day when they see Exon crossing the street at Pelegrini and one of them says to the other "Damn I'd like to fuck him!"
And the other chica asks "Out of what?"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their.
Local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed.
The game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What.
Do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a.
Beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight!" said the other friend, Can I.
Take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction.
Of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see.
Right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked,
Too!
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull.
The trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the.
Mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to.
Teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a.
Few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a.
Grand here."