Jokes / One liners

Sidney, I have to admit, I actually Laughed Out Loud when I read that. Good one.

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "It doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies". So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She cried.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Rodney stood up and said:

"Up against the wall mother fucker!"

I guess there are not too many farms in Detroit.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

Richard and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing, Richard headed home frustrated.

A week later Richard's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp. They were shocked to see Richard already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a campfire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Richard?"

"I didn't have to," Richard replied. "After you teased me last week I went home, slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said "Surprise!"

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee. She said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and do whatever you want."

So here I am.