Jokes / One liners

When someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Al and Alice were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Al suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Alice promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Alice's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Alice the news she said, ' Alice, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Al hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Alice laughed, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Can I go home this afternoon?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

[QUOTE=Ricardo]THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD.

Well, it's shit. That's right - shit! [/QUOTE]Didn't even mention take a shit, my personal favorite.

[QUOTE=Schmoj]Didn't even mention take a shit, my personal favorite.[/QUOTE]Had shit for brains and couldn't really get his shit together!

Not really a joke, but a sad reality. Figured I'd post it here anyway:

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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

• Why the early bird gets the worm;

• Life isn't always fair;

• and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents Truth and Trust. By his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and by his son Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

I Know My Rights.

I Want It Now.

Someone Else Is To Blame.

I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his Funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

El Queso,

All this is sadly too true. "I know my rights" is rarely accompanied by "I have responsibilities".

[QUOTE=SteveC]El Queso,

All this is sadly too true. "I know my rights" is rarely accompanied by "I have responsabilities".[/QUOTE]Ditto, this (joke) is a really good one. Unfortunately it doesn't make me laugh anymore. Too damn true.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

One - The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

Two - The bouncer is a blond girl.

Three - Sitting on your right side is blond lady who is a professional weight lifter.

Four - There is a lady sitting beside her who is also blond. She is a professional wrestler.

Five - I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a few seconds and says: "No."

He shakes his head and mutters to himself: "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

LOL - Hilarious!

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

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In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.

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At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

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On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

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On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

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At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

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On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

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On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

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At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

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On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

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On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

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At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

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At the Electric Company.

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'

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In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

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At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

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And don't forget the sign at a.

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

Stevie Wonders and Tiger Woods meet at a party.

Tiger, after a few minutes of chit chat asks: "How's your music thing going?"

Wonder replies: "Pretty good. Thanks. How's the golf?"

Wood responds, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?' Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger.

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?' Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'we've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie says, 'Pick a night, any night.'

Times are tough financially. So, a young couple are going over their bills and the wife says to the husband:

"Baby, we are going to have to cut back a little. You beer is 90 bucks a month. We are gonna have to cut that out - at least for a couple months. OK?"

The husband winced in pain. But, hey, it is a real problem. So he agreed.

A couple of weeks past.

The couple were going over the bills again. And the husband sees $125 a month spent on MAKEUP? So, he says to his wife: "Hey, baby. I had to give up my beer, but you are not giving up your make-up AND it is more expensive."

The woman speaks romantically. "Honey, you would not want me to give up my makeup. I where it so I can be attractive FOR you."

The husband responds: "But that was what the beer was for."