Jokes / One liners

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and have hot, steamy, monkey-circus Sex!

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,.

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,.

And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a more humane solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.

The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumfound silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

"What do you MEAN Timmy's birthday party was busted by the Vice Squad?"

"You remember that 'Amber' that he wanted to do tricks?"

"Yeah."

"She may have "Bring a little magic into your day" on her card, but she sure as hell isn't a magician."

Bush did it. What a short memory.

[QUOTE=Sidney]If Al-Queda wants to destroy the country we love, they better hurry because Obama is beating them to it.[/QUOTE]

Does this mean you do?

I Do!

[QUOTE=Sidney]President Obama and VP Biden are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Biden sitting over there?"?

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are? You guys doing in here?"

Obama? Says, "We're planning W. W. III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?

Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?

Obama turns to Biden and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims?[/QUOTE]

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Signed.

Tiger Woods

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick-a-likes.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?

100 people that don't do dick.

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT.

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has anointed my income with taxes,

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I am glad I am American,

I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I were a dog.

And Obama were a tree.

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Brings a tear to your eye, doesn ’t it?

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the WalMart's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.