Jokes / One liners

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"?

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZRV3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in anultra-high- resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves. "

That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change. I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

Frozen Crabs and the Blond Stewardess.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as some folks think.

Rush Limbaugh said it yesterday:

"I LOVE the women's movement. Especially when I'm walking behind them!"

• 9:15 am – Arrive after an easy flight that included grudge fucking under the blanket the recently divorced 29 year old in 4B.

• 9:20 am - Picked up at airport in limo with two of last years runner up champion tango dancers (both female) and enjoy a double headed blow job while sipping an ice cold Heineken.

• 10 am - Arrive at Jackson's apartment and enjoy a breakfast feast prepared by a former Miss Teen Argentina wearing only an apron and high heels.

• 10:30 am – Enjoy a two hour deep tissue massage by a Paraguayan masseuse while watching Miss Teen Argentina, and the tango dancers eat each other out under the massage table (looking through the hole)

• 12:30 pm - Quick hand job / blow job by Former Miss Teen Argentina with accompanying prostrate massage by masseuse.

• 12:31 pm – Sleep while masseuse cleans up kitchen and cum off the ceiling.

• 3:49 pm – Wake up with next year's Miss Farm Implement's tits in your face, and enjoy a following titty fuck.

• 4 pm – Catch up with friend while sipping Mt. Gay Rum from duty free.

• 4:56 pm – Enjoy a good "after an overnight flight shit."

• 5 pm – Shower and dress for a short walk to a local wine vendor and select wine for tomorrow's party.

• 5:22 pm – Sneak a quick kiss and feel up the chica at the wine store (friends friend) while flexing biceps, both torn and not torn.

• 6 pm – Return to apartment to find Miss Teen Argentina and last years runner up champion tango dancers, nude and on the marble floor, with an entire bottle of Wesson Oil, half a joint, vibrators, and a short, but effective whip, all screaming "where the fuck have you and El Burro (Sam's penis) been!" Send friend to store for more Wesson Oil, whipped cream, and chocolate bars.

• 8:35 pm – Shower and enjoy a six hand back scrub to remove all traces of oil, chocolate, cum, blood, etc.

• 9 pm – Enjoy a Red Bull and vodka while watching girl's crawl around on all fours cleaning up apartment and hearing on CNN that Obama has been killed by West Texas Red Necks, and Nancy Pelosi is in serious condition from a thirty hour gang bang by friends of Islam. She later died.

• 9:30 pm – Taxi to join friend, Nicole, and Marie to an evening of tango shows, fine dining, great wines, coffee, and desert.

• 12:59 am – Salsa dancing with Nicole and Marie while enjoying shooters of rum and ground up Viagra.

• 3:30 am - Venture to swingers bar and hook up with a group of five Swedish Ski Instructors all wanting to enjoy a two male, seven woman, orgy. Ski Instructors pick up tab at swingers bar.

• 5:33 am – Learn how to say "what color car do you want" in both Spanish and Swedish.

• 5:59 am – Race in local taxi through the streets of Buenos Aires with friend, Nicole and Marie passed out and you having no idea where you are going.

• 09:30 am – Arrive at apartment after an unscheduled city tour and stop at American Express to pay taxi bill after talking the highly pissed taxi driver out of introducing you to his "friends".

• 9:40 am – Try to sleep while your now rested friend, Nicole, and Marie fuck and scream in the next room.

• 11:24 am – Sleep after slipping friend a Viagra and cutting his restraints.

• 4 pm – Wake up and review photos of the night before, and realize that the hot chick you were kissing / mugging with, and feeling up, has a five o'clock shadow, an Adam's apple and bulge in his skirt.

• 4:03 pm – Vomit, gargle, floss, brush, shower, and repeat six times while erasing the photos of the hot chick (with dick)

• 4:50 pm – Find invitation to a swim suit party hand addressed by the lead Ski Instructor in your pants pocket while searching for the ibuprofen.

• 4:58 pm – Receive email on Blackberry from Financial Adviser informing you that your portfolio is currently 44 percent up due to last nights news.

• 4:59 pm – Place order to sell everything with Financial Advisor.

• 5 pm – Wake up friend, and ask "when are we going to have some fun, I came a long way."

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten. 'A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passes and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a drink. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian? ' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. '

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner. '

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian'.

Little Tony started the day early having set his alarm clock for 6 am.

(MADE IN JAPAN)

While his coffeepot was perking.

(MADE IN CHINA)

He shaved with his Electric razor.

(MADE IN HONG KONG)

He put on a Dress shirt.

(MADE IN SRI LANKA)



Designer jeans.

(MADE IN SINGAPORE)

And Tennis shoes.

(MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new Electric skillet.

(MADE IN INDIA)

He sat down with his Calculator To see how much he could spend today.

(MADE IN MEXICO)

Set his Watch.

(MADE IN TAIWAN)

To the radio.

(MADE IN INDIA)

He got in his car.

(MADE IN GERMANY)

Filled it with GAS.

(from Saudi Arabia)

And continued his search.

For a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging.

And fruitless day Checking his Computer.

(made in MALAYSIA)

John decided to relax for a while and put on his sandals.

(MADE IN BRAZIL)

Poured himself a glass of Wine.

(MADE IN FRANCE)

And turned on his TV.

(MADE IN INDONESIA)

And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT.

(MADE IN KENYA)