Jokes / One liners

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?". The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry Sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all".

"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

Makes more sense! Or not?

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I was talking to this guy today about life in the Philipines and how the girls have a tendency to attach themselves to you.

He said that there the definition of Eternity is the difference between the time you come and the time she leaves.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame, has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name.

From now on he will be known as Kareem of Wheat.

Obama Jokes.

"You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start." says Doug French.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree. And think 25 to life would be appropriate.

–Jay Leno.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

–Jay Leno.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

–Conan O'Brien.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

A: A fund raiser.

–Jay Leno.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

–David Letterman.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?

A: America!

–Jimmy Fallon.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

A: Bo has papers.

–Jimmy Kimmel.

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?

A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

–David Letterman

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.

What is the common food stuff that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90% when she tastes it?

WEDDING CAKE!

TL

I found out last night that my security clearances are still valid. I was able to log onto the secure side of the TSA site.

This news is too good to be kept under wraps.

But with all the problems Julien Assange is having with WikiLeaks, I thought it should be 'outed' here.

These are the "TSA Special Agents" who were detailed to take care of Santa getting his "enhanced pat-downs" when he entered USA airspace:

[ATTACH=CONFIG]27741[/ATTACH]

I'd be jolly too!

Merry Christmas!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British

issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes damn near everywhere "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels. From "baaa" to "BAAAA".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[QUOTE=Doggboy; 414886]Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

[/QUOTE]Una pregunta from a Canadian:

What's an alert level.......and why do we need one? Ehh....

Honestly, I can't remember a genuine national emergency since the hockey strike.

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.