Jokes / One liners

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'You have perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along right when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'I don't know, there are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I just married his Fucking widow.'

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN!

To.

The citizens of the United States of America.

From.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent.

Candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,

We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,

Effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the.

Oxford English Dictionary.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen.

Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,

Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not.

Fancy) Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a.

Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following.

Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour,"

"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

(Look up "vocabulary")

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as.

'"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English.

We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to.

Take into account the reinstated letter "u"' and.

The elimination of "-ize."

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,

Or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists.

Shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.

If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more.

Dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be.

Required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in.

Public.



6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start.

Driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same.

Time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the.

Benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and.

Metrication will help you understand the British sense of.

Humour.



7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been.

Calling gasoline) of roughly $10/ US gallon. Get used to it.



8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French.

Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling.

Potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick.

Cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with.

Vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.

Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,

And European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred.

To as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are.

Pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can.

Only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British.

Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will.

Be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be.

Sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.



11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,

Be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies)

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their.

Deliveries.



13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.



14. An internal revenue agent (I. E. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)



15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p. M. With proper cups, with.

Saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)

And cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Since we're on the subject, how do why'all feel about all the silicone in the parts?

Thanks.

Jaggar

"Oral Roberts"

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

More fag jokes:

Q: Two fags are having sex on the beach and they get struck by lightning. Which one gets to heaven first?

A: The one on the bottom; his shit's already packed.

Q: What's the definition of a queer in Texas?

A: Anybody who likes girls better than football.

Q: How can you tell if your best friend is gay?

A: His dick tastes like shit.

Agree, the 2 Bushes have created the worst ever environment so why could we not have Hilary to sort it out? Have to do some promotion, ISOLA2000 IS THE CLOSEST SKI AREA TO NICE AIRPORT. It is my home in Europe since a no of years. Now is the start of a new ski season. Visit here or to AURON.

Skip straight.

The Editors: We'll take three cards.

Dick Cheney: Give me one.

Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-committal noises, puffing of cigars.

TE: Fifty bucks.

DC: I'm in. Show 'em.

TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.

DC: Not good enough.

TE: What do you have?

DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.

TE: Can you show us your cards?

DC: Sure. One of them's a six.

TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.

Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one.

Card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.

Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.

TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but. Well, it is a very rich pot.

Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?

Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****

*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****

The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing.

TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?

DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.

TE: We aren't sure.

DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.

TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.

Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****

*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****

A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing.

TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.

Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.

Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.

Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.

TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State.

Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.

Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?

Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****

*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****

Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing.

Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.

William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?

Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.

Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual / Islamist agenda they hold so dear?

Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.

George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.

Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.

DC: My deal.

I have heard that the campaign rallying cry in the Obama inner circle is "KILL WHITEY!" But, I also heard that they were planning to off Lumpy and Eddie Haskell as well. Ha Ha Ha!

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in New York. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, 'Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please.'

Intrigued, the man said, 'OK.'

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, 'Sir, what is your IQ?'

The man answered, 'Oh, about 164.' The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, 'What is your IQ, sir?' This time the man answered, 'Oh, about 100'.

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest football scores, who was going to win the Super Bowl and what to expect the Yankees or Red Sox to do this season.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, 'What is your IQ?'

This time the man answered, ' Oh. About 50.'

The robot clicked, clicked again, then leaned close and very slowly asked, 'A-r-e-y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o e-l-e-c-t O-b-a-m-a?

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application. OR IS IT REDISTRIBUTION OF SOMEONE ELSE'S WEALTH IS A GREAT IDEA!

This stock market crisis is worse than any divorce.

I have lost half my net worth and still have my wife!

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by.

Almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls.

That could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have.

Never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old.

Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular.

Numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the.

Numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde.

Stepped out.

The father then said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.'

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is. 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!'

A third grade teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had jackshit', he says, 'J-A-C-K-S-H-I-T'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her Which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed screwing my mother.

That's why I got Jackshit for breakfast'.

Just humor, mostly.

Rollin' with my Homies, Drinkin' Gin & Juice.

[QUOTE]"I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls," Putin said.

"Hang him?" Sarkozy asked.

"Why not?" Putin replied. "The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein."

Mr Sarkozy tried to reason with him: "Yes but do you want to end up like Bush?"

Mr Putin was briefly lost for words, then said: "Ah, you have scored a point there."[/quote]BTW, this was an ACTUAL quote.

Regards,

BM

The reason we fly all the way to Buenos Aires.

[url]http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/video.aspx[/url]

Exon

Two Taliban mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls an envelope out of her bag and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me.' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers.'

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' '

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Taliban mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says.

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

A Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The Hostage answers "yes".

Robber shoots him.

He asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers "no, but my wife did".

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Whether or not you are a country fan, this is truly the work of a deep thinker, and highly intelligent person.

So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:

"I have outlived my dick."

[QUOTE=Sidney]An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score. "Five seconds go by and She lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides.[/QUOTE]Not to steal some of El Sid's Thunder.

Long Haul Trucker goes into a bar in San Francisco waiting to be unloaded (his freight, not him)

Finds a Sports Bar that looks kind of normal. All of a sudden a Gay guy walks up and says, "Well Hello, you're new here".

Truck driver says, "Get away from me you homo"

Gay Guy says, "I may be Gay, but I'm rugged. I play football"

Truck Driver says, "Football? What kind? I was all-county in Alabama"

Gay guy, "We play Fart Football!"

Trucker says, "Fart Football? What's that?"

Gay guy says, "You chug a beer and that is six points. You pull your pants down and fart and that is the extra point"

Driver says, "Listen Queenie, I've been drinking beer and eating truck driver food for twenty years. You don't even know my ability to win this game"

So they play.

Driver chugs; Touchdown! He pulls his pants down and farts; extra point.

Gay guy Chugs, Touchdown! He pulls his pants down and farts; extra point.

This goes on for three and a half quarters and it is tied.

Finally the Gay guy chugs his beer, pulls his pants down to fart, but in a golden moment of choking (pun intended) he cannot fart.

Thirty seconds left in the game; and filled with a warrior's confidence the Truck Driver chugs his beer. GAME IS TIED!

Here comes the win, the Grizzled veteran can smell the blood in the water. So the Truck Driver pulls his pants down for the extra point and he is very ceremonious about it.

He turns around, places his ass out, squeezes his cheeks ready for the big "Kick" knowing he has won.

All of a sudden the fag gets right behind him, puts his cock right against his ass and starts thrusting, yelling "BLOCK THAT KICK, BLOCK THAT KICK"

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'