Jokes / One liners

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One. Two. Three'.

Like my Irish Granddaddy always said,.

"Why did God invent alcohol?"

"To keep the Irish from taking over the world."

Enjoy these classics:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

******

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he.

Meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to.

Heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group.

Together to go right now.'

*****

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

*****

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Received this e mail from Exon. What I want to know is what the hell is going on back in the United States.

WARNING Home Depot SCAM -

> >

> >

> > A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

> > Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out.

> > shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite.

> > traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or.

> > your friends.

> >

> > Here's how the scam works:

> >

> > Two very hot, knock dead gorgeous, 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are.

> > packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your.

> > windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out.

> > of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank.

> > them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride.

> > to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the.

> > way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the.

> > front seat and starts crawling all over you, sucking your dick while the other one steals.

> > your wallet.

> >

> >

> > I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,.

> > 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th,.

> > three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

> >

> > So tell your friends to be careful.

> >

> > P. S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

[QUOTE=El Alamo]Received this e mail from Exon. What I want to know is what the hell is going on back in the United States.

WARNING Home Depot SCAM -

> >

> >

> > A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

> > Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out.

> > shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite.

> > traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or.

> > your friends.

> >

> > Here's how the scam works:

> >

> > Two very hot, knock dead gorgeous, 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are.

> > packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your.

> > windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out.

> > of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank.

> > them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride.

> > to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the.

> > way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the.

> > front seat and starts crawling all over you, sucking your dick while the other one steals.

> > your wallet.

> >

> >

> > I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

> > 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th,

> > three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

> >

> > So tell your friends to be careful.

> >

> > P. S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each[/QUOTE]The same sh_t happened to me at Lowes except these girls gave FS.

I thought it was funny.

Could be in AR:)

[url]http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=5838[/url]

Hmmm.

[url]http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4702[/url]

*1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of.

Me,*for I may not follow. Do.

Not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.

And* a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal.

Your.

Neighbor's newspaper, that's.

The time to do it.*

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be.

Promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as.

A bad*example.*

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.*

*

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple*of*car payments.*

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their*shoes. That way, when you*criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.*

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.*

*

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to*

Fish*and he will sit in a boat &*drink beer all day.*

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it.

Was*probably worth it.*

*

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.*

*

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.*

*

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.*

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.*

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes*from bad judgment.*

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half.

And*put*it in your pocket.*

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain.

Dance.*

*

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.*

23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark.

Side,*and*it holds the universe together.*

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one.

Works.*

*

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is*moving.*

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you.

Need*it.**

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.*

*

28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.*

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[QUOTE=WorldTravel69]Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work[/QUOTE]Damn! It is Just like in my homeland!

Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.

[QUOTE=QuakHunter]Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.[/QUOTE]Damn right Quack, the good ol' days! (Sigh)

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman:

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me - Bubba.":)

Man Dies After 12-hour Viagra-fueled Orgy.

February 26, 2009

MOSCOW -- He won the bet, but lost his life.

Police say 2 women bet their friend Sergey Tuganov that he couldn't keep up with them during a 12-hour sex marathon.

The prize, $4,300.

Tuganov took the bet and decided to boost his chances of winning by downing a bottle of Viagra.

It worked. He won the wager.

But just minutes later, the 28-year-old mechanic died of a heart attack, Moscow police said.

"We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do," said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina.

But they are funny, stupid too:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the equipment to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Considering the hard times are here, probably for long and everywhere I am adopting this philosophy:

If life turns her back on you, take your right hand and grab her ass!

Was this one ever shown on TV?

[url]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/551763/indecent_proposal/[/url]

My lucks so bad if it was raining tits I would get hit with a cock.

With St Pat's just around the bend I thought it was time for some Irish fun. This one is supposed to have been voted Best Joke in Ireland.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull Him by the ears to make him come.'

There's three things you forgot to complete your list Sid:

1-. If you think you can't stand peeing in a tree: fagget.

2-. You prefer salads, light food and crappy food like that: wussy. BTW King Henry the VIII used to say that real men food consisted of meat and good ol' ale!

3-. You are concerned about farting in front of your chick, cause you might hurt her feelings or she could think you are a lowlife scumbag: Faggot.

BTW do you guys know when it's time for a man to wash his underwear?

Check inside your underwear, if there's a penis, it's not time yet!

This crap ain't funny.

Your gay jokes were much better Sidney.

Regards,

BM

[QUOTE=BadMan]This crap ain't funny.

Your gay jokes were much better Sidney.

Regards,

BM[/QUOTE]I agree.

It wasn't funny, it was sad.

Sad but true.

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A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked 20 feet away on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was. BUBBA.

A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on the poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered. "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me."

Have Fun Or Fuck Off!

Kisses, Roxanne.;)

Tips to help with the credit crunch.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite.

Tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another.

Song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your.

Identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with.

Your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply.

Moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In.

The morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply.

Changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to.

The object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an.

Inexpensive vibrator.

MANCHESTER UNITED FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply.

Strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,

As to your Allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking.

Around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the.

Price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in.

Your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply.

Cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following.

Morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble.

Full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they.

Will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for.

Ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel.

The benefit.

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film.

And press them into your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips.

From the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on.

A window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them.

Before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less.

Anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

__________________