Jokes / One liners

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In Honor of the Harvest Festival, you will.

Be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the.

Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's Ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you.

In two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to.

Him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off.

And disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

This time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse - alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's.

Tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully - for. The. Last. F**king time,

I Said. 'BRING POSSE!'

The lone ranger and his loyal indian friend Tonto are traveling through the desert and both of them being very hungry and thirsty decide to hunt something.

LR: Have you spotted something?

TONTO: No but I will use special technique from tribe, I put ear on ground to find if buffalo is near!

He does as he said and after a minute or two.

LR: Well, you got something?

TONTO: Buffalo come!

LR: How do you know?

TONTO: Because ear of Tonto stuck to the ground with semen!

And yet another Lone Ranger joke:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in LEO. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass. It tell me someone stolen tent."

Great joke Aqualung. I was laughing so hard my eyes watered!

Thanks, Bob

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful attorney.

So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The attorney thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh. No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the attorney, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the attorney says, "So. If I didn't give any money to them, what the f-ck makes you think I'd give any to you?"

A doctor told a prostitute, "Take these pills, eat a bland diet, and in three days I'll have you back in bed.

From the Arkansas Democrat Gazette.

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Shag Bag Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.

As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the.22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Shag Bag shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Lavinia's got her priorities straight!

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,

"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Sid, where do you get so many good ones, the one about Pelosi had me LMMFAO.

Good one!

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'

Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'

The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels."duh". Bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid. Eight cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm. Car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's. They are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4½ days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911. Duh. There's no "eleven" button on the phone!

What a year!

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

7 to point out spelling / grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling / grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb". Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[QUOTE=Aqualung]How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?[/QUOTE]and of course...

1 Exon to proclaim everyone as "Cocksuckers and Motherfuckers".

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Bushmill's Irish Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

An aging Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked desperately, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Wouldn't you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban screamed at him, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

When the little Jewish man asked if he felt better now, the Taliban barely muttered "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

A man and his wife were watching a TV program on psychology, when the man turned to his wife and said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "Of course I can: you've got the biggest penis of all your friends."

I was depressed last night so I rang a suicide hotline.

I was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Any Love is Better Than No Love!

An old guys walks into his neighborhood bar, grinning from ear to ear. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks," What in the world happened to you? I've never seen you smile like that."

Old guy says, "Well, after I left here last night I was walking by the railroad track and I saw a woman lying on the tracks. I picked her up and took her back to my house, and we had the best sex of my life, all night! Every position, every fantasy, it was wonderful!

"Was she very pretty?" asked the bartender.

"I don't know," replied old guy. "I didn't find her head.

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it is that if any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, he is someone you don't want to mess with."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by.

Almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls.

That could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have.

Never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old.

Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular.

Numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the.

Numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde.

Stepped out.

The father then said quietly to his son.

"Go get your mother."

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things.

People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published.

By court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these.

Exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

***

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

***

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

***

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.;

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

***

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

***

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he.

Doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

***

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

***

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

***

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

***

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new.

Attorney?

***

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

***

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

***

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition.

Notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

***

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead.

People?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

***

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

***

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

***

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

***

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a.

Pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began.

The autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing.

Law.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and
threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

Lincoln and Obama are very much alike:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

This is what I think of when Daddy Rulz calls me "Bubba"

[QUOTE=Eaglestar]A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. '

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

Really?' he said. And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.[/QUOTE]

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 18 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I was lucky to find a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 32 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless so I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am much older and wiser now. I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to European the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

Not yet" she replied.

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT.

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a. M. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. But kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "rot march"

Is bout as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride aroun and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Haggett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have have to be careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilerLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

LORRAINE.

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