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I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Rodney stood up and said:
"Up against the wall mother fucker!"
I guess there are not too many farms in Detroit.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
Richard and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing, Richard headed home frustrated.
A week later Richard's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp. They were shocked to see Richard already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a campfire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Richard?"
"I didn't have to," Richard replied. "After you teased me last week I went home, slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said "Surprise!"
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee. She said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and do whatever you want."
So here I am.
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2- under par round.
She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know- what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,.
"But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!"
The best lawyer in town, after winning his best case goes to a car dealership and buys a brand new BMW, after paying for it he decides to go to the court house in it so his coleagues would feel envy.
A few meters from his destination he parks the BMW and opens the door, suddenly a truck hits the door and rips it off. He goes berzerk and starts insulting the driver: "You stupid moron, you ripped my f. Ing door and my car is new, dammit A BMW and I just took it from the dealership!
Then a cop appears and tries to calm him down, saying: Sir, I understand you are pretty upset because of the damage to your car, but I regret to inform you that in the crash, the truck chopped your left arm from the elbow to your fingers.
The lawyer, realizing it is true stares at his bleeding arm and says: Damn it! Where is my f. Ing Rolex!
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he.
Noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention.
And asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man.
Had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller.
Space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a.
Different tact. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?
"A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started.
Discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to.
Expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?
This time the man drawled out "Uh. Bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,.
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-b-a-m-a?"
An 85-year-old monger was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my novia for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Jimena, the chica next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
The Robot actually said.
"Are you here in Buenos Aires visiting from Alabama?"
[QUOTE=Ricardo]The Robot actually said.
"Are you here in Buenos Aires visiting from Alabama?"[/QUOTE]No, SteveC got it right the first time. Come visit me in Alabama and many people here will show you. I'm sure you can debate some Redneck of your past history as a staffer for a President and congressman. They will be impressed.
I know whereof I speak!
Birmingham to be precise!
A husband wrote the following letter to his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Wife.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband.
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriott Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
You as a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
With love
Getting Old Means:
Your friends admire your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
Your wife whispers to you, "Let's go upstairs and make love." Your respond, "One or the other, but not both."
Your doctor is the one telling you to slow down, and not the police.
Getting a little action means you have not taken your fiber today.
Getting Old Means:
Your friends admire your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
Your wife whispers to you, "Let's go upstairs and make love." Your respond, "One or the other, but not both."
Your doctor is the one telling you to slow down, and not the police.
Getting a little action means you have not taken your fiber today.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench talking.
One asked the other "I know you have been married for many years, but did you ever get any (pussy) on the side?"
The man responded "my friend, it has been so long since I have had any that I did not know they moved it to the side"
When I checked into my hotel, I asked the concierge at the check-in desk, "I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull"! Exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
11. I went to a seafood disco last week. And pulled a mussel.
12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
13. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
15. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
17. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
18. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
19. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
No offense to our Argentine friends, but my wife sent me this joke in Spanish after Paraguay beat Argentina last week in the World Cup playoffs. Thought I'd translate it and share it:
A paraguayan was calmly eating his breakfast in a restaurant in Argentina when an Argentine guy, chewing gum, walked in and sat at the Paraguayan's table.
The Paraguayan ignored the Argentino to see how he would take it, and the Argentino wasn't very happy about that. The Argentino then tried to make conversation.
"Che Paraguayo, in Paraguay do you all eat the whole loaf when you eat bread?" The Argentino asked.
"Of course," answered the Paraguayan.
"We don't," said the Argentino, smacking his gum obnoxiously. "We eat the soft stuff in the middle and and we recycle the outside part and make bread crumbs out of it and export it to Paraguay."
The Paraguayan listened silently, unperturbed. The Argentino continued chewing his gum, then thought of another question.
"In Paraguay, do you all eat jam with your bread?" the Argentino asked this time.
"Yes, of course," the Paraguayan answered.
"We don't," the Argentino answered smugly. "For breakfast we eat fresh fruit, and the peals, the seeds and whatever we don't eat we put in a recycle container and turn it into jam and export it to Paraguay."
Of course, by this time the Paraguayn was a bit perturbed. But he smiled slightly as he asked his own question.
"And you Argentinos, what do you do with used condoms when you're done with them?"
"Geez, dude," answers the Argentino, now smacking his gum loudly and obnoxiously, "we throw them in the trash, dummy!"
The Paraguayan chuckles and responds, "we don't. After using condoms, we put them in a container for recycling, and then we turn them into chewing gum and export them to Argentina!"
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD.
Well, it's shit. That's right - shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit - or not do so, if you don't give a shit!
Well, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.
Well, Shit Happens!
When someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Al and Alice were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Al suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Alice promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Alice's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Alice the news she said, ' Alice, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Al hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Alice laughed, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Can I go home this afternoon?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
[QUOTE=Ricardo]THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD.
Well, it's shit. That's right - shit! [/QUOTE]Didn't even mention take a shit, my personal favorite.
[QUOTE=Schmoj]Didn't even mention take a shit, my personal favorite.[/QUOTE]Had shit for brains and couldn't really get his shit together!
Not really a joke, but a sad reality. Figured I'd post it here anyway:
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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
• Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
• Why the early bird gets the worm;
• Life isn't always fair;
• and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents Truth and Trust. By his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and by his son Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights.
I Want It Now.
Someone Else Is To Blame.
I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his Funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
El Queso,
All this is sadly too true. "I know my rights" is rarely accompanied by "I have responsibilities".
[QUOTE=SteveC]El Queso,
All this is sadly too true. "I know my rights" is rarely accompanied by "I have responsabilities".[/QUOTE]Ditto, this (joke) is a really good one. Unfortunately it doesn't make me laugh anymore. Too damn true.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
One - The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
Two - The bouncer is a blond girl.
Three - Sitting on your right side is blond lady who is a professional weight lifter.
Four - There is a lady sitting beside her who is also blond. She is a professional wrestler.
Five - I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a few seconds and says: "No."
He shakes his head and mutters to himself: "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
LOL - Hilarious!
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
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At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
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On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
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On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
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At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
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On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
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On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
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At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
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On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
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On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
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At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
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At the Electric Company.
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'
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In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
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At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
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And don't forget the sign at a.
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
Stevie Wonders and Tiger Woods meet at a party.
Tiger, after a few minutes of chit chat asks: "How's your music thing going?"
Wonder replies: "Pretty good. Thanks. How's the golf?"
Wood responds, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'
Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?' Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.
Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'
Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.
'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger.
'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'
Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?' Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'we've got to play a round sometime.'
Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'
Stevie says, 'Pick a night, any night.'
Times are tough financially. So, a young couple are going over their bills and the wife says to the husband:
"Baby, we are going to have to cut back a little. You beer is 90 bucks a month. We are gonna have to cut that out - at least for a couple months. OK?"
The husband winced in pain. But, hey, it is a real problem. So he agreed.
A couple of weeks past.
The couple were going over the bills again. And the husband sees $125 a month spent on MAKEUP? So, he says to his wife: "Hey, baby. I had to give up my beer, but you are not giving up your make-up AND it is more expensive."
The woman speaks romantically. "Honey, you would not want me to give up my makeup. I where it so I can be attractive FOR you."
The husband responds: "But that was what the beer was for."