Or maybe her third husband was a Republican and told her he had a "weapon of mass destruction" but he was never able to actually find it, but spent all his money trying to find it.
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Or maybe her third husband was a Republican and told her he had a "weapon of mass destruction" but he was never able to actually find it, but spent all his money trying to find it.
Proof That The World Is Nuts.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there.
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that.
They had to pass this law?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses.
150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?
(Did our government pay for this research?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!
[QUOTE=Sidney]Who Am I?
I am under 45 years old. I love the outdoors. I hunt. I am a Republican reformer.
I have taken on the Republican Party establishment. I have many children.
I have a spot on the national ticket as vice president with less than two.
Years in the governor's office.
Did you guess?
I am Teddy Roosevelt in 1900[/QUOTE]Sid,
Why did you post this in the Jokes thread instead of the American Politics thread?
Thanks,
Jackson
[QUOTE=Jackson]Sid,
Why did you post this in the Jokes thread instead of the American Politics thread?
Thanks,
Jackson[/QUOTE]Nah, it is in the right thread!
A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'You have perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along right when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'I don't know, there are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I just married his Fucking widow.'
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN!
To.
The citizens of the United States of America.
From.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent.
Candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
Effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the.
Oxford English Dictionary.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen.
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not.
Fancy) Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a.
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following.
Rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour,"
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(Look up "vocabulary")
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as.
'"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to.
Take into account the reinstated letter "u"' and.
The elimination of "-ize."
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
Or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists.
Shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more.
Dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be.
Required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in.
Public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start.
Driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same.
Time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the.
Benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and.
Metrication will help you understand the British sense of.
Humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been.
Calling gasoline) of roughly $10/ US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French.
Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling.
Potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick.
Cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with.
Vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
And European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred.
To as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are.
Pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can.
Only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British.
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will.
Be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be.
Sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
Be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies)
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their.
Deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (I. E. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p. M. With proper cups, with.
Saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
And cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Since we're on the subject, how do why'all feel about all the silicone in the parts?
Thanks.
Jaggar