Jokes / One liners

[Shane44]

Grandpa Dies making Love.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied," He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[QuakHunter]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Elio, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated.38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[QuakHunter]

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Acne?

Acne waits until you are thirteen before it unloads on your face.

[QuakHunter]

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him "We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

[Shane44]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide." the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest. "So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"

[QuakHunter]

What is the blame for Michael Jackson's death?

A) Sunshine.

B) Moonlight.

C) Good times.

D) Boogie

[QuakHunter]

So Farrah died and went to heaven.

God asked what she wanted, she said "Keep the children safe."

So God killed Michael Jackson.

[Slipknot]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well.

Waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and.

Say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning,.

Let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought.

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast.

And didn't say a word. So when I left for the office.

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,.

"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "

It felt a little better.

That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door.

And said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,.

And it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,.

Just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane,.

That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know,.

It's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,.

"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom.

For just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out.

Carrying a huge birthday cake.

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends.

And co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked

[Shane44]

Little boy to his mom:

"Mommy, how come I am black and you are white?"

Mom back to little boy:

"After the party I went to that night, you are lucky you don't bark Barack."

[Shane44]

A teacher is explaining to her 1st grade students that human beings are the only animals that stutter.

A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he had jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must have been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'. And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him.

[QuakHunter]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question, noted the Rabbi.

"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the "know-it-all" Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Aqualung]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

[Shane44]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,.'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,.

'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,.

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,.

And accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[Aqualung]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT.

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a. M. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. But kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "rot march"

Is bout as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride aroun and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Haggett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have have to be careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilerLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

LORRAINE.

_____________

[Shane44]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

Not yet" she replied.