Jokes / One liners

[Jackson]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

and of course...

1 Exon to proclaim everyone as "Cocksuckers and Motherfuckers".

[Aqualung]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

7 to point out spelling / grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling / grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb". Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Shane44]

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

[Shane44]

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels."duh". Bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid. Eight cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm. Car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's. They are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4½ days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911. Duh. There's no "eleven" button on the phone!

What a year!

[QuakHunter]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'

Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'

The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me.

[Whiskas]

Sid, where do you get so many good ones, the one about Pelosi had me LMMFAO.

Good one!

[Shane44]

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,

"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

[Shane44]

From the Arkansas Democrat Gazette.

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Shag Bag Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.

As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the.22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Shag Bag shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Lavinia's got her priorities straight!

[Aqualung]

A doctor told a prostitute, "Take these pills, eat a bland diet, and in three days I'll have you back in bed.

[QuakHunter]

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful attorney.

So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The attorney thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh. No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the attorney, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the attorney says, "So. If I didn't give any money to them, what the f-ck makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[AllIWantIsLove]

Great joke Aqualung. I was laughing so hard my eyes watered!

Thanks, Bob

[Aqualung]

And yet another Lone Ranger joke:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in LEO. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass. It tell me someone stolen tent."

[Whiskas]

The lone ranger and his loyal indian friend Tonto are traveling through the desert and both of them being very hungry and thirsty decide to hunt something.

LR: Have you spotted something?

TONTO: No but I will use special technique from tribe, I put ear on ground to find if buffalo is near!

He does as he said and after a minute or two.

LR: Well, you got something?

TONTO: Buffalo come!

LR: How do you know?

TONTO: Because ear of Tonto stuck to the ground with semen!

[Aqualung]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In Honor of the Harvest Festival, you will.

Be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the.

Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's Ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you.

In two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to.

Him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off.

And disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

This time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse - alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's.

Tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully - for. The. Last. F**king time,

I Said. 'BRING POSSE!'

[Aqualung]

Tips to help with the credit crunch.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite.

Tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another.

Song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your.

Identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with.

Your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply.

Moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In.

The morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply.

Changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to.

The object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an.

Inexpensive vibrator.

MANCHESTER UNITED FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply.

Strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,

As to your Allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking.

Around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the.

Price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in.

Your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply.

Cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following.

Morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble.

Full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they.

Will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for.

Ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel.

The benefit.

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film.

And press them into your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips.

From the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on.

A window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them.

Before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less.

Anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

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