Jokes / One liners

[Roxanne]

Have Fun Or Fuck Off!

Kisses, Roxanne.

[Aqualung]

A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on the poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered. "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me."

[QuakHunter]

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked 20 feet away on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was. BUBBA.

[Facundo]

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[Jackson]

This crap ain't funny.

Your gay jokes were much better Sidney.

Regards,

BM

I agree.

It wasn't funny, it was sad.

Sad but true.

[BadMan]

This crap ain't funny.

Your gay jokes were much better Sidney.

Regards,

BM

[Whiskas]

There's three things you forgot to complete your list Sid:

1-. If you think you can't stand peeing in a tree: fagget.

2-. You prefer salads, light food and crappy food like that: wussy. BTW King Henry the VIII used to say that real men food consisted of meat and good ol' ale!

3-. You are concerned about farting in front of your chick, cause you might hurt her feelings or she could think you are a lowlife scumbag: Faggot.

BTW do you guys know when it's time for a man to wash his underwear?

Check inside your underwear, if there's a penis, it's not time yet!

[Aqualung]

With St Pat's just around the bend I thought it was time for some Irish fun. This one is supposed to have been voted Best Joke in Ireland.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull Him by the ears to make him come.'

[Mike12]

My lucks so bad if it was raining tits I would get hit with a cock.

[Seaman]

Was this one ever shown on TV?

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/551763/indecent_proposal/

[Whiskas]

Considering the hard times are here, probably for long and everywhere I am adopting this philosophy:

If life turns her back on you, take your right hand and grab her ass!

[QuakHunter]

But they are funny, stupid too:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the equipment to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

[Gato Hunter]

Man Dies After 12-hour Viagra-fueled Orgy.

February 26, 2009

MOSCOW -- He won the bet, but lost his life.

Police say 2 women bet their friend Sergey Tuganov that he couldn't keep up with them during a 12-hour sex marathon.

The prize, $4,300.

Tuganov took the bet and decided to boost his chances of winning by downing a bottle of Viagra.

It worked. He won the wager.

But just minutes later, the 28-year-old mechanic died of a heart attack, Moscow police said.

"We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do," said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina.

[Seaman]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me - Bubba."

[QuakHunter]

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman:

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.