Jokes / One liners

[Whiskas]

Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.

Damn right Quack, the good ol' days! (Sigh)

[QuakHunter]

Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.

[Whiskas]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work

Damn! It is Just like in my homeland!

[WorldTravel69]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[Aqualung]

*1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of.

Me,*for I may not follow. Do.

Not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.

And* a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal.

Your.

Neighbor's newspaper, that's.

The time to do it.*

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be.

Promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as.

A bad*example.*

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.*

*

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple*of*car payments.*

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their*shoes. That way, when you*criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.*

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.*

*

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to*

Fish*and he will sit in a boat &*drink beer all day.*

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it.

Was*probably worth it.*

*

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.*

*

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.*

*

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.*

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.*

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes*from bad judgment.*

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half.

And*put*it in your pocket.*

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain.

Dance.*

*

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.*

23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark.

Side,*and*it holds the universe together.*

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one.

Works.*

*

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is*moving.*

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you.

Need*it.**

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.*

*

28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.*

[Seaman]

Hmmm.

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4702

[Seaman]

Could be in AR

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=5838

[Daddy Rulz]

I thought it was funny.

[Precocious One]

Received this e mail from Exon. What I want to know is what the hell is going on back in the United States.

WARNING Home Depot SCAM -

> >

> >

> > A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

> > Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out.

> > shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite.

> > traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or.

> > your friends.

> >

> > Here's how the scam works:

> >

> > Two very hot, knock dead gorgeous, 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are.

> > packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your.

> > windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out.

> > of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank.

> > them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride.

> > to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the.

> > way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the.

> > front seat and starts crawling all over you, sucking your dick while the other one steals.

> > your wallet.

> >

> >

> > I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

> > 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th,

> > three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

> >

> > So tell your friends to be careful.

> >

> > P. S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

The same sh_t happened to me at Lowes except these girls gave FS.

[El Alamo]

Received this e mail from Exon. What I want to know is what the hell is going on back in the United States.

WARNING Home Depot SCAM -

> >

> >

> > A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

> > Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out.

> > shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite.

> > traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or.

> > your friends.

> >

> > Here's how the scam works:

> >

> > Two very hot, knock dead gorgeous, 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are.

> > packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your.

> > windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out.

> > of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank.

> > them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride.

> > to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the.

> > way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the.

> > front seat and starts crawling all over you, sucking your dick while the other one steals.

> > your wallet.

> >

> >

> > I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,.

> > 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th,.

> > three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

> >

> > So tell your friends to be careful.

> >

> > P. S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

[QuakHunter]

Like my Irish Granddaddy always said,.

"Why did God invent alcohol?"

"To keep the Irish from taking over the world."

Enjoy these classics:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

******

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he.

Meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to.

Heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group.

Together to go right now.'

*****

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

*****

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

[QuakHunter]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One. Two. Three'.

[QuakHunter]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'

[QuakHunter]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score. "Five seconds go by and She lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides.

Not to steal some of El Sid's Thunder.

Long Haul Trucker goes into a bar in San Francisco waiting to be unloaded (his freight, not him)

Finds a Sports Bar that looks kind of normal. All of a sudden a Gay guy walks up and says, "Well Hello, you're new here".

Truck driver says, "Get away from me you homo"

Gay Guy says, "I may be Gay, but I'm rugged. I play football"

Truck Driver says, "Football? What kind? I was all-county in Alabama"

Gay guy, "We play Fart Football!"

Trucker says, "Fart Football? What's that?"

Gay guy says, "You chug a beer and that is six points. You pull your pants down and fart and that is the extra point"

Driver says, "Listen Queenie, I've been drinking beer and eating truck driver food for twenty years. You don't even know my ability to win this game"

So they play.

Driver chugs; Touchdown! He pulls his pants down and farts; extra point.

Gay guy Chugs, Touchdown! He pulls his pants down and farts; extra point.

This goes on for three and a half quarters and it is tied.

Finally the Gay guy chugs his beer, pulls his pants down to fart, but in a golden moment of choking (pun intended) he cannot fart.

Thirty seconds left in the game; and filled with a warrior's confidence the Truck Driver chugs his beer. GAME IS TIED!

Here comes the win, the Grizzled veteran can smell the blood in the water. So the Truck Driver pulls his pants down for the extra point and he is very ceremonious about it.

He turns around, places his ass out, squeezes his cheeks ready for the big "Kick" knowing he has won.

All of a sudden the fag gets right behind him, puts his cock right against his ass and starts thrusting, yelling "BLOCK THAT KICK, BLOCK THAT KICK"

[Damman]

Whether or not you are a country fan, this is truly the work of a deep thinker, and highly intelligent person.

So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:

"I have outlived my dick."