Jokes / One liners

[WorldTravel69]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[QuakHunter]

A Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The Hostage answers "yes".

Robber shoots him.

He asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers "no, but my wife did".

[QuakHunter]

Two Taliban mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls an envelope out of her bag and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me.' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers.'

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' '

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Taliban mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says.

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

[Exon123]

The reason we fly all the way to Buenos Aires.

http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/video.aspx

Exon

[BadMan]

"I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls," Putin said.

"Hang him?" Sarkozy asked.

"Why not?" Putin replied. "The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein."

Mr Sarkozy tried to reason with him: "Yes but do you want to end up like Bush?"

Mr Putin was briefly lost for words, then said: "Ah, you have scored a point there."

BTW, this was an ACTUAL quote.

Regards,

BM

[QuakHunter]

Rollin' with my Homies, Drinkin' Gin & Juice.

[Lunico]

Just humor, mostly.

[QuakHunter]

A third grade teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had jackshit', he says, 'J-A-C-K-S-H-I-T'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her Which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed screwing my mother.

That's why I got Jackshit for breakfast'.

[QuakHunter]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is. 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!'

[Grshel1]

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.'

[Shane44]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by.

Almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls.

That could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have.

Never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old.

Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular.

Numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the.

Numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde.

Stepped out.

The father then said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Shane44]

This stock market crisis is worse than any divorce.

I have lost half my net worth and still have my wife!

[QuakHunter]

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application. OR IS IT REDISTRIBUTION OF SOMEONE ELSE'S WEALTH IS A GREAT IDEA!

[QuakHunter]

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in New York. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, 'Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please.'

Intrigued, the man said, 'OK.'

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, 'Sir, what is your IQ?'

The man answered, 'Oh, about 164.' The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, 'What is your IQ, sir?' This time the man answered, 'Oh, about 100'.

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest football scores, who was going to win the Super Bowl and what to expect the Yankees or Red Sox to do this season.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, 'What is your IQ?'

This time the man answered, ' Oh. About 50.'

The robot clicked, clicked again, then leaned close and very slowly asked, 'A-r-e-y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o e-l-e-c-t O-b-a-m-a?

[El Perro]

I have heard that the campaign rallying cry in the Obama inner circle is "KILL WHITEY!" But, I also heard that they were planning to off Lumpy and Eddie Haskell as well. Ha Ha Ha!