Jokes / One liners

[Member #2041]

Correction concerning Man Law 24:

British Racing Green is certainly an acceptable color for an automobile, provided that it is a Sports Car.

[BadMan]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss.

The Response.

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[DblGear]

Aqualung and I walked into a bar. After a while, he finds a chica he desires and he takes her to a private area in the club. When he returns, one can tell he thinks he has done a very good job with her.

So, I ask her how Aqualung did and she responded, "He hobosexual, he hobosexual."

Rathermuch stunned by the chica's comment, I finally summoned the nerve to ask, "Are you saying Aqualung is a homosexual?" She responded, "No, no, he hobosexual, he hobosexual. He bum fuck."

[Strad]

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. 'Is it true you're a prostitute?'

'Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I dunno. What do you charge?'

'I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there.'

'$100 for a handjob? Are you nuts?'

'You see that Ferrari out there?'

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

'I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and get the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

'Last night was incredible.'

'Ofcourse it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blowjobs.'

'How much is that?'

'$500'

'$500? C'Mon, that's ridiculous.'

'You see that apartment building across the street?'

The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building.

'I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. 'I'm hooked, you're the best. Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?'

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. 'You see that island?'

'Aw, c'Mon, You can't mean that.'

She nods her head. 'You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan.'

[Jaimito Cartero]

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy.

I assume that really is a joke, and not serious. As I know you can't believe that the cost that Walmart pays is 100% of the cost of items. I've recently started purchasing some tools in China, and the markup is unbelievable. Say you buy something for $10 in a Walmart store, it's likely that they pay $2 for it in China. Transportation, labor and other costs bring the over to maybe double that, but they still make a healthy profit.

[AllIWantIsLove]

Remember when you were in high school and dating that beautiful but totally inexperienced girl and you got to introduce her to sex. (Watch it to the very end! It's pretty short. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrbguHXN0BA

[Pete Puma]

A little something

[Aqualung]

Man Talk.

JUST PEARLS.

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.

I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!

[Hound]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their.

Local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed.

The game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What.

Do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a.

Beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight!" said the other friend, Can I.

Take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction.

Of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see.

Right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked,

Too!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull.

The trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the.

Mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to.

Teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a.

Few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a.

Grand here."

[TejanoLibre]

Two chicas were walking down Cordoba near the Lálliance reastaurant one day when they see Exon crossing the street at Pelegrini and one of them says to the other "Damn I'd like to fuck him!"

And the other chica asks "Out of what?"

[Facundo]

After having spent four months doing business in Argentina this year I sadly returned home to the States, whereupon my father asked me if I saved any money while in Buenos Aires.

I had to be honest with him.

I said, " Dad, they have casinos in Buenos Aires where I gambled but did not win".

I proceeded to explain that the bar I frequented was open 24 hours a day, and that I spent a disproportionate amount of time and money on beer and whiskey for myself and whoever else happened to be there.

Finally, I explained to my father about the women of Buenos Aires.

I said, "Dad, the women in Buenos Aires are famous for their beauty and sensuality. You can spend the whole day gazing at the extraordinary way they carry themselves when they walk on the street. I tried to behave myself, Dad, and stay away from the brothels and bawdy houses, but I was worn down and I was weak. I got hooked and spent untold amounts of money on these women, Pop".

"The rest of my money", I confessed to my beleagured father, "I spent foolishly".

I think the great George Best said it best:

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."

[HairBalderman]

After having spent four months doing business in Argentina this year I sadly returned home to the States, whereupon my father asked me if I saved any money while in Buenos Aires.

I had to be honest with him.

I said, " Dad, they have casinos in Buenos Aires where I gambled but did not win".

I proceeded to explain that the bar I frequented was open 24 hours a day, and that I spent a disproportionate amount of time and money on beer and whiskey for myself and whoever else happened to be there.

Finally, I explained to my father about the women of Buenos Aires.

I said, "Dad, the women in Buenos Aires are famous for their beauty and sensuality. You can spend the whole day gazing at the extraordinary way they carry themselves when they walk on the street. I tried to behave myself, Dad, and stay away from the brothels and bawdy houses, but I was worn down and I was weak. I got hooked and spent untold amounts of money on these women, Pop".

"The rest of my money", I confessed to my beleagured father, "I spent foolishly".

[Bandy]

Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,.

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.

====================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try downloading Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. at least intermittantly.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Best wishes,.

Tech Support

[Ben There]

Guy walks down the beach and sees a armless and legless girl. She is crying. He picks her up and asks why is she crying. She says she is 20 and never been kissed. So he kisses her. Good dfk kind. Nice he thinks.

Then she keeps crying and he asks why. She says she is 20 and never been fucked. He thinks about the kiss, looks at her condition. Takes her down to the edge where the waves are coming in. Sets her down slowly, smiles and says.

Now you are fucked.

[Thomaso276]

First, God asks Peyton Manning, "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Brett Favre, "And you, Brett, what do you believe?" Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."