Thread: Jokes / One liners

+ Submit Report
Page 2 of 23 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 5 6 12 ... LastLast
Results 16 to 30 of 342
This forum thread is moderated by Admin
  1. #327

    The Weather

    I wish our reporters were like this.

    https://www.youtube.com/embed/ePG6zUYvUZg

  2. #326

    My New Job

    So I finally landed a job as a Walmart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.

    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”.

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”.

    So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”.

    My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

  3. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to WorldTravel69 For This Post:


  4. #325

    And another.

    "A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

    The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense. " So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. " The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. " The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit. ".

    Labrador.

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Labrador For This Post:


  6. #324

    Funny

    Some oldies but still funny, hope these don't offend, just some warped humor.

    Some one liners.

    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

    The wife and I have a water bed which I refer to as "The Dead Sea" and this upsets her?

    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

    Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

    A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

    Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?

    'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

    The wife's back on the warpath. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

    I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

    45 year old Sperm Bank at New Port quoted $500.00 dollars!

    I told her that was the funniest Joke I'd heard in Years!

    TL.

  7. #323
    Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. . .

    Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

    After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

    Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

    After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

    She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year. Old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert. '.

    Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?

    The moral of the story:

    Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

  8. #322

    Seen on another of el Jeffes forums.

    "One dude even told me through private message that she smelled like she washed her vagina with an even dirtier vagina.".

    LMFAO.

  9. #321
    LOL! Some of the jokes are so stupid that it makes me laugh!

  10. #320

    Funny!

    Quote Originally Posted by WorldTravel69  [View Original Post]
    Let see, the people want me to. . .
    That's Funny but what's even funnier is that a lot of Morons do not seem to know what the letters G.O.P stand for!

    Even The Wall Street Journal has decided to stop referring to The Party as The G.O.P!

    A dumbing down due to a dumbing down of the gene pool.

    150 years of history!

    TL.

    By the way, have you noticed how Hideous Hillary Looks?

    Hideous Hillary!

    Do you really want some **** to run the show?

    Would not even give a proper be. Be.be. J to the President!

  11. #319

    New Year's Resolutions

    Let see, the people want me to. . .
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails New Year's Resolutions001.jpg‎  

  12. #318

    Christmas

    Isn't it about sharing?
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Christmas001.jpg‎  

  13. #317

    There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, D.see., this year!

    The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season.

    This isn't for any religious reason.

    They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

    A search for a Virgin continues.

    There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

  14. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to WorldTravel69 For This Post:


  15. #316

    Funny or not

    I was laughing for a while, but. . .
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Greed!001.jpg‎  

  16. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to WorldTravel69 For This Post:


  17. #315

    International problem solving techniques

    Hmmmm, can't use IMG tags here then?

    Never mind...link: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BZrwltNIgAAmytk.jpg:large

  18. #314

    Walmart

    Sorry, this isn't a one liner. But it is funny.

    "Wearing a Vietnam Vet Hat to Wal-Mart."

    Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress... Enough of my psychological fixations.

    While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"

    "No," I replied.

    "Then why are you wearing that cap?"

    "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

    "The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

    God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

    He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

    "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!

    "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

    I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

    "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

    "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

    The moron nodded knowingly.

    "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

    "Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's going to happen if I do?"

    With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

    The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

    After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

    What a great time! Tomorrow I'm thinking about going back with my Homeland Security cap. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

  19. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to WorldTravel69 For This Post:


  20. #313

    Lol!

    From The Treasure Chest. . . THE WEDDING TEST.

    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less, she would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations, she was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lord. And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

    And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

  21. The Following User Says Thank You to Gandolf50 For This Post:


Posting Limitations

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts


Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape