Jokes / One liners

[Exon123]

http://www.redtube.com/3767

Exon

[Facundo]

The farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm, and knocked on the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't. He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither," the boy replied. "She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Daddy Rulz]

Exon was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call his bluff, "OK, Exon, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Exon and his boss fly out to Hollywood, knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Head of the Dick! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Exon's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Exon that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, you just name anyone else," Exon says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Exon say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." At the White House, Bush spots Exon on the tour and motions him and his boss over, "Exon, what a great surprise, I was just heading to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in first and let's catch up. You were right about that god damn war and I shoulda listened, you gotta help me figure a way outta this mess."

The boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Exon, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," the boss replies. "Sure!" says Exon. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Exon and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Exon says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Exon emerges with the Pope on the balcony, with some hooker swingen from his joint, and waves, but by the time Exon returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by Exedra girls in nurses uniforms.

Making his way to his boss' side, Exon asks him, "What happened boss?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Exon"

[Sportsman]

I want to see Exon do this with Hilda.

http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?a...2a7_1194023452

I must give credit to Caveman01 for this idea.

My question is who should be on top bring spinned. My vote is Exon.

[El Perro]

I want to see Exon do this with Hilda.

http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?a...2a7_1194023452

I must give credit to Caveman01 for this idea.

[El Perro]

A New York Lawyer on vacation runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Florida State Trooper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that.

He has a better education then any Florida Trooper. He decides to prove this to himself and have.

Some fun at the Florida cop's expense!

Florida Trooper says," License and registration, please."

New York Lawyer says, "What for?"

Florida Trooper says, "y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

New York Lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

Florida Trooper says, "y'all still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

New York Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Florida Trooper says, "The difference is, you gotta come to complete stop, that's the law,. Licence and registration, please!"

New York Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Florida Trooper says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The New York Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Florida Trooper takes out his baton, starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says,.

" Do y'all want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Aqualung]

There's always something to learn or to try, many times you need to say

some phrase in Spanish but you don't know how to say it, don't worry,

Your problems have finished. If your are a gringo and you don't speak

Spanish, this will be helpful in your learning.

For an instance, some common phrases, just try and you're.

Gonna see the difference and how easy is to speak Spanish.

Esta es la mejor parte: leanlo en ingles, esta genial!

1. Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm gonna have a dinner.

2. N L C John = en el sillon = on the armchair.

3. Be a hope and son = viejo panzon = fat old man.

4. Who and see to seek ago = Juancito se cago = Little John is a.

Chickenshit.

5. S toy tree stone = estoy triston = I'm kind a sad.

6. Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little rags.

7. Desk can saw = descanso = (you) rest.

8. As say toon as = aceitunas = olives.

9. The head the star mall less stan dough = deje de estar Molestando =

Stop bugging me.

10. See eye = si hay = yes we have.

11. T n s free o? = tienes frio = are you cold?

12. T N S L P P be N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso = you have an.

Erection.

13. Tell o boy ah in cruise tar = Te lo voy a incrustar = I'm goingTo.

Insert it in you

[Capt Dave]

This was shamelessly stolen from Orang05!

---------------------------------------------

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars laying around, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank to change them out.

It was a short line, just one lady in front of me; An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was getting a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

[Monger514]

A man and his wife are discussing different ways to save money.

The husband says, "Honey, learn to cook so we can fire the maid!"

The wife retorts, "Learn to eat pussy so we can fire the gardener!"

[Seaman]

Not really a joke, but it is funny;

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_tXzKpmRrFs

(See how quick she recovers! )

[Pete Puma]

Nice one Syd, good punchline.

[StrayLight]

http://www.zooomr.com/photos/denisgobo/3084439/

[StrayLight]

http://www.sexyandfunny.com/watch_vi...-hell_531.html

[Easy Go]

1. Bush: End of an Error.

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway.

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First.

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran.

5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President.

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant!

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight.

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore.

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance.

12. They call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.

13. Whose God Do You Kill For?

14. Jail to the Chief.

15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap.

17. Bad President! No Banana.

18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language.

19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.

20. Is It Vietnam Yet?

21. Bush Doesn't Care About Wh ite People, Either.

22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

24. Dub'ya, Your Dad Should'a Pulled Out, too!

25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

26. Pray For Impeachment.

27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century.

28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

29. One Nation Under Clod.

30. 2004: Embarrassed, 2005: Horrified, 2006: Terrified.

31. Bush Never Exhaled.

32. At Least Nixon Resigned

[Capt Dave]

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters / gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster during the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the inventions of beer and the the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These two make up the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct.

Subgroups:

1. Liberals.

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women the rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule, because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, soldiers, airmen, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.

To other true believers and to more liberals --- just to piss them off.