Jokes / One liners

[El Perro]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT.

The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the.

Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion on, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

! So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct. Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[BadMan]

These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room. They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room, but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail. Out- - Get Out."

They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room, but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out -- Get out."

Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man comes out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job! You gave me blanks so I had to choke her!"

[Lunico]

Came accross this site by accident. Aside from some nice tail shots, there are pics that look to have familiar background shots. Vote on the tail to see the next pic.

http://www.culomovil.com/index.php

[Lunico]

An old very rich man walks up to the most beautiful 19 year old he's ever seen and flat out says "would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

She looks at him for a moment and goes "Nothing after that? Just one night and sex with you and I get a million? Hell sure yes I would!"

The man then asks her "Okay, how about for 20 bucks in the back room over there?"

The girl is shocked. "I would NEVER! What kind of a woman do you think I am?"

The man smirks "Oh we already established what kind of woman you are. Now we're simply haggling over price."

[El Perro]

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

[Monger514]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52981

[Lochdhu]

This isnt a joke, but wanted to share this vid link with a few of you, as a friend of a freind made it some time ago, and we convinced him to put it on youtube.com funny but yet sick, which many of you will love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UErhh...elated&search=

[Lochdhu]

Three men were in an airplane: a New Yorker, a Parisian, and a Brazilian.

The American puts his hand out the window of the plane and said, "Ah, we are flying over New York."

The others asked, "How do you know?"

"I just touched the Statue of Liberty!"

A little while later the Parisian put his hand out the window and sighed, "Ah, we are flying over Paris."

The others asked, "How do you know?"

"I just touched zee Eiffel Tower!"

"A little while later the Brazilian put his hand out the window and said, "Ah, we are flying over Rio."

The others asked, "How do you know?"

"Someone just stole my watch!"

[El Perro]

A guy is waiting in a long line in Cleveland to buy two train tickets for he and his buddy. He notices that the ticket girl way up in the front of the line has a set of huge, wonderful tits. Being a big tit fanatic he can't help but stare, and as the line moves forward and he gets closer, he finds himself staring more and more. Then he gets a little nervous right before he is in front of her. She asks him, "Can I help you sir?", and he responds,"Yes, two pickets to Tittsburgh please!". He is immediately mortified, though the girl smiles, takes his money and gives him the tickets. He walks away still very ashamed and berating himself. The guy who was behind him in line, and heard the mess up comes over to comfort him. The first guy says," I can't believe I said that! What a fucking idiot! What a moron! " The second guy says, "Hey, wait a minute man, people do that kind of thing all the time! That's called a Freudian slip". The first guy says "What's that?", and the second guy responds," Well, that's when you mean to say one thing, but your unconscious says something else instead. I'll give you an example. This morning before I left the house, my wife is serving me breakfast and brings out the toast, and it's burnt! And I say, " GODDAMN YOU BIATCH, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO FUCK UP MY LIFE!"

[El Perro]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that fucking ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[El Perro]

Masturbation tip for those of you in sex prison. Sit on your favorite hand until it goes numb. Then it'll feel like someone else is jacking you off.

[Bangkok Dave]

When I die I want to go like my grandmother did. Peacefully in my sleep, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in her car.

Dave

[Lochdhu]

A man who just escaped from prison and breaks into a couple's house and ties them up in their bedroom. The husband sees the escapee kiss his wife on the cheek and then walk into the bathroom.

The husband says "Listen hon, this guy has probably not been with a woman in a while and is horny so he kissed you. If he wants to fuck you just go with it and save both our lives."

His wife responds "Listen sweetie, he wasn't kissing me, he was whispering in my ear that he's gay and thinks you're cute and wants some vaseline. I told him there's some in the bathroom. Just go with it and save both our lives!"

[Stormy]

Favorite graffiti also from the wall of a men's room. (1970's)

"Jesus saves. And Esposito grabs the rebound and scores!"

[Fred88]

Written in felt-tip pen on the front of a condom machine in the men's room of a truck stop in Arizona, circa 1970: "Don't buy this gum -- it tastes like rubber."