Thread: Jokes / One liners

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  1. #312

    I Wonder?

    I wonder if he got it AFTER he did the " Behind the Candelabra Movie?

    http://news.yahoo.com/upside-michael-douglas-cunnilingus-confession-214348998.html

    TL.

    Matt Damon wants to know!

    Good movie but TOO Gay!

  2. #311

    Why I love living here

    This is from the USA board.

    "I went home and took the longest shower I ever took and apologized to my dick over and over again he didn't deserve that. I'll try and make it up but he is still traumatize. My dick need counseling now."

    I have seen some ugly hookers here but I have NEVER gone so long without nutting that I felt like I had to fuck one because I was that hard up.

    "My dick need counseling now." hahahahhahahahaahahahah poor guy.

  3. #310
    SOCIALISM.

    You have 2 cows.

    You give one to your neighbor.

    COMMUNISM.

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM.

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM.

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM.

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM.

    You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM.

    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

    No balance sheet provided with the release.

    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM.

    You have two giraffes.

    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

    A FRENCH / ARGENTINE CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you.

    Want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION.

    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION.

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them.

    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION.

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

    You tell them that you have none.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the * out of you and invade your country.

    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    Business seems pretty good.

    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION.

    You have two cows.

    The one on the left looks very attractive.

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  5. #309

    Need a new doctor.

    I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that.

    My new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!

    I was embarrassed, but she said,"Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before."

    Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out.

    ________________________________________.

    I said.

    "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

  6. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to WorldTravel69 For This Post:


  7. #308

    About daddies.

    The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way. Who's the Daddy?

    These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

    1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

    2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

    3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

    4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

    5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

    6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

    7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC / DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time, well, I don't have clue.

    8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

    9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

    10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

  8. #307

    Joke

    THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL.

    Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

    The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

    The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

  9. #306

    Talking Ehhhhh?

    Quote Originally Posted by Doggboy  [View Original Post]
    Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
    Una pregunta from a Canadian:

    What's an alert level.......and why do we need one? Ehh....

    Honestly, I can't remember a genuine national emergency since the hockey strike.
    Last edited by Gauntlet77; 01-05-11 at 15:49. Reason: rebellion against punctuation police

  10. #305

    Threat Alerts

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.

    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British

    issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

    The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

    that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".

    Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes damn near everywhere "just in case".

    Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security levels. From "baaa" to "BAAAA".

    Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".

    Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  11. #304

    Christmas Wishes, aka Wikileak THIS!

    I found out last night that my security clearances are still valid. I was able to log onto the secure side of the TSA site.

    This news is too good to be kept under wraps.

    But with all the problems Julien Assange is having with WikiLeaks, I thought it should be 'outed' here.

    These are the "TSA Special Agents" who were detailed to take care of Santa getting his "enhanced pat-downs" when he entered USA airspace:

    Click image for larger version

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    I'd be jolly too!

    Merry Christmas!

  12. #303

    Common Food Stuff That Reduces a Woman's Sex Drive by 90%

    What is the common food stuff that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90% when she tastes it?

    WEDDING CAKE!

    TL

  13. #302

    Stimulus package

    It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

    A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

    As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

    The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

    The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

    The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

    At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

    No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.

  14. #301

    Obama Jokes.

    "You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start." says Doug French.

    The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree. And think 25 to life would be appropriate.

    –Jay Leno.

    America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

    –Jay Leno.

    Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?

    A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

    –Conan O'Brien.

    Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

    A: A fund raiser.

    –Jay Leno.

    Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

    A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

    –David Letterman.

    Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?

    A: America!

    –Jimmy Fallon.

    Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

    A: Bo has papers.

    –Jimmy Kimmel.

    Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?

    A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

    –David Letterman

  15. #300

    Another American Converts to Islam

    It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame, has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name.

    From now on he will be known as Kareem of Wheat.

  16. #299

    Baptist Cowboy

    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

    "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

  17. #298

    One For Punter

    I was talking to this guy today about life in the Philipines and how the girls have a tendency to attach themselves to you.

    He said that there the definition of Eternity is the difference between the time you come and the time she leaves.

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