Thread: Jokes / One liners

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  1. #282

    Wow!

    Does this mean you do?

    I Do!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidney
    President Obama and VP Biden are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Biden sitting over there?"?

    The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

    So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are? You guys doing in here?"

    Obama? Says, "We're planning W. W. III."

    The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?

    Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?

    Obama turns to Biden and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims?

  2. #281

    Wrong

    Bush did it. What a short memory.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidney
    If Al-Queda wants to destroy the country we love, they better hurry because Obama is beating them to it.

  3. #280

    The Birthday Party

    "What do you MEAN Timmy's birthday party was busted by the Vice Squad?"

    "You remember that 'Amber' that he wanted to do tricks?"

    "Yeah."

    "She may have "Bring a little magic into your day" on her card, but she sure as hell isn't a magician."

  4. #279

    Wyoming Humor

    The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a more humane solution.

    What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.

    The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumfound silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

    Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

  5. #278

    The Sensitive Man

    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

    She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

    Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

    He responds warmly.

    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and have hot, steamy, monkey-circus Sex!

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,.

    'Well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,.

    And says:

    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

  6. #277

    How Stimulus Works

    Better yet (if you're the government) all of those businesses (except for the hooker I suppose) will have to report an additional $100 in income / profit and therefore pay higher taxes than they would have otherwise.

  7. #276

    How Stimulus Works

    I received this from a liberal friend who voted for Obama.

    A Slow Day in Texas.

    It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

    On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

    As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier feed and fuel.

    The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

    The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

    The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

    At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

    No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

    However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Stimulus works.

  8. #275

    Merry Christmas

    To My Democrat (liberal) Friends:

    Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious / secular persuasion and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

    I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

    To My Republican (conservative) Friends:

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

  9. #274

    2 Possible Working Titles - Tiger's Biography

    "18 of my Favorite Holes"

    Or.

    "Holes I have Played Through"

  10. #273

    Merry Christmas

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

    The letter read:

    Dear God,

    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna.

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.

    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read:

    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

    By the way, there was $4 missing.

    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna

  11. #272

    Mustang

    Not Closed, just Moved.

    http://www.worldfamousbrothel.com/

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidney
    "BAIL'EM OUT!

    Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey?"

    "What are we thinking"

  12. #271
    Hi Sid,

    I'm in no way a Landrieu fan, but if you are talking about the bribe she just took for her vote on healthcare, it was $300 million. Still way too much and completely unethical.

    CH

  13. #270
    WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER WRITE AN ADVICE COLUMN.

    Dear Harry,.

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

    When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bed, naked with our neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years!

    When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely, Sheila.

    ******************************

    Dear Sheila,.

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

    Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

    If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

    I hope this helps, Harry

  14. #269
    Senior Member


    Posts: 552

    Venues: 8
    Ok, although Sydney's latest post was not exactly a joke, it was a source for a bit of humor (unlike the previous batch! Sorry Sid!

    I had to go take the test. I scored 100% in both personal and economic as a Libertarian! I knew it!

    "LIBERTARIANS support maximum liberty in both personal and economic matters. They advocate a much smaller government; one that is limited to protecting individuals from coercion and violence.

    Libertarians tend to embrace individual responsibility, oppose government bureaucracy and taxes, promote private charity, tolerate diverse lifestyles, support the free market, and defend civil liberties."

    Amen.

  15. #268
    Senior Member


    Posts: 552

    Venues: 8
    What's black and white and red all over? A skunk with a really really bad rash.

    No, a terrible joke, I know. But it wasn't political hyperbole at least!

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