Jokes / One liners

[SteveC]

Sidney,

There seems to be a flaw in the quiz. It described me as a liberal!

Your friend Steve

[WorldTravel69]

Sid,

I sent what you wrote to my friends and someone sent this answer to me and all my friends, even though I used BCC. (Blind Carbon Copy) I guess you cannot hide who your friends are.

"No, you don't get it, and if you don't stop believing what you hear on Right-wing radio you never will.

Illegal immigrants don't get social security cards, don't get welfare, and dDon't get food stamps. They can get AFDC (aid for families with dependent children) and food stamps FOR THEIR CHILDREN, IF their children are U. S. Citizens. And anyone can get limited medical attention in emergency rooms, in any industrialized nation in the world.

If you really object to illegal immigration, if it's not just a problem you have with non-white people, support fining and / or jailing illegal employers. The illegal immigrants will go home. Problem solved."

Ok. I think I get it.

Let me see if I understand all this.

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border, you get shot.

If you cross the turkey border illegally, you spend the rest of your life in prison!

But, if you cross the USA border illegally you get:

A drivers license.

A social security card.

Welfare.

Food stamps.

And, free health care?

Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense.

[QuakHunter]

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

[SteveC]

I think Jackson should have a new survey.

What should we do with illegal immigrants?

A. 12 Years Hard Labour.

B. Indefinite Detention.

C. Shoot them all.

C would be the cheapest. My vote.

[Member #3318]

Jackson is right. The real problem is that any and all of these fixes are basically a zero sum game.

[Jackson]

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America �s economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following.

Stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -

Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American car. Forty million cars ordered-

Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage-

Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

If more money is needed, have all members of Congress.

And their constituents pay their taxes.

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard. Then shoot yourself!

1 job opening.

____________________________________________________________

Medical Insurance Quotes.

Comp

Good grief Sid, do the math.

$40,000,000 x 1,000,000 = 40,000,000,000,000

That plan would cost 40 TRILLION dollars.

Thanks,

Jackson

[Argento]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammad.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammad?" he asks.

"No, my son, I am Peter. Mohammad is higher up," and he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammad should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammad?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammad is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammad?"

'No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammad higher up."

Mohammad higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammad?" he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord"

God looks behind him, claps his hands, and calls out.

"Hey, Mohammad, two coffees!"

[SteveC]

Sydney,

I heard this one about 3-4 yrs ago on a forum that I doubt you'd ever read (full of liberals). Substitute the queen of ideas such as "Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity" for Pelosi, and its the same joke. Definitely a good one.

[Whiskas]

I really have no idea how to respond. My first instinct was to say something like "Oh honey, I'd never get bored eating you." But there has to be something better.

Well, if you want to change subject just tell her: "Mmmm, interesting". Or maybe something like: "Oh I see". It's neutral, you don't express an opinion, she won't feel offended and the answer lets you go through and change subject.

My 2 cents.

W

[Sinistra]

So this isn't really a joke or a one liner, but it sort of fits here. I was exchanging emails with a Brazilian girl, whose English is not the best, that I really want to seriously have my way with. I asked her what her favorite country was (Italy) and then in the following I asked her her least favorite country. This is what she wrote:

I dunno. I'm really boring to eat. Maybe one country with strange food, haha!

I really have no idea how to respond. My first instinct was to say something like "Oh honey, I'd never get bored eating you." But there has to be something better.

[WorldTravel69]

No Cola, but, fortunately I will be spending my next stimulus on a 100 dollar massage, with happy ending.

Sorry, Exon I know you can not get those in your State. But, you can in NV.

No COLA for Seniors in 2010

http://www.eldercarecafe.net/no-cola...s-in-2010.html

[BadMan]

No COLA for Seniors in 2010

http://www.eldercarecafe.net/no-cola...s-in-2010.html

HAHA.

I saw the same thing in my google news updates and I swear I was gonna post that.

The title is very misleading.

At first I was like

But then I after I read it I was like

[Esten]

No COLA for Seniors in 2010

www.eldercarecafe.net/no-cola-for-seniors-in-2010.html

[Canitasguy]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves. By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."

[Canitasguy]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'