Jokes / One liners

[Shane44]

Richard and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing, Richard headed home frustrated.

A week later Richard's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp. They were shocked to see Richard already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a campfire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Richard?"

"I didn't have to," Richard replied. "After you teased me last week I went home, slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said "Surprise!"

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee. She said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and do whatever you want."

So here I am.

[Shane44]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

[QuakHunter]

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Rodney stood up and said:

"Up against the wall mother fucker!"

I guess there are not too many farms in Detroit.

[QuakHunter]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[QuakHunter]

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

[QuakHunter]

I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[QuakHunter]

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies". So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She cried.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

[Shane44]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "It doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

[El Queso]

Sidney, I have to admit, I actually Laughed Out Loud when I read that. Good one.

[SteveC]

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:

1- Remove your lap top from its bag.

2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully.

3- Turn on.

4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching.

5- Turn on the Internet.

6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer.

7- Take a deep breath and open this site.

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

[Jackjack1]

"The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment."

Ok bad joke, but the swine flu did deter me from flying down to Buenos Aires. I opted for Montreal instead. Much more expensive punani, but amazing women. I'm me for info if interested.

I still can't wait to go down there, nothing more passionate than an Argentinean woman in my book.

Jack

[Wild Walleye]

Strangely, when I have been close to broke, or broke, I make an even more concerted effort to give to those who are worse off then me.

I am not sure exactly why but, I think that by doing so, subconsciously it makes me feel better and lightens my load as I try to move forward to improve my own circumstances.

A high functionary of the IMF dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter is at the door and asks him: "What have you donne to deserve coming in?" The functionary thinks for a while and said: "Last week I gave 25 cts. To a poor man in the street". Saint Peter asks the Arcangel Gabriel to check this information. A few minutes later Gabriel confirms the fact. Then Saint Peter said: "Well, that's O. K. But it's not enough". The high functionary thinks again and add: "Wait, there's something more. Three years ago I also gave another 25 cts. To a beggar". Gabriel checks this too, and verify it's true. Still Saint Peter is not conform and asks Gabriel: "What we should do with this guy?". Gabriel thinks a while and said: "Let's gave him back his 50 cts. And send him to Hell".

Now, if we replace "a high functionary of the IMF" for "a conspicuos AP member".

Just a joke

[JuanCaminante]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pled "guilty". The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"

[Julio]

A high functionary of the IMF dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter is at the door and asks him: "What have you donne to deserve coming in?" The functionary thinks for a while and said: "Last week I gave 25 cts. to a poor man in the street". Saint Peter asks the Arcangel Gabriel to check this information. A few minutes later Gabriel confirms the fact. Then Saint Peter said: "Well, that's O. K. But it's not enough". The high functionary thinks again and add: "Wait, there's something more. Three years ago I also gave another 25 cts. to a beggar". Gabriel checks this too, and verify it's true. Still Saint Peter is not conform and asks Gabriel: "What we should do with this guy?". Gabriel thinks a while and said: "Let's gave him back his 50 cts. and send him to Hell".

Now, if we replace "a high functionary of the IMF" for "a conspicuos AP member"...

Just a joke

[SteveC]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.