Doggboy

Hard to believe this thread does not exist. So, here we go with my ol man's favorite joke:

There is a traveling circus making it's way around the country, when it develops a problem. The lion tamer has sprained his ankle and will not be able to perform for the next show. The circus has a sold out date the next night with NO lion tamer. So they put an ad in the local newspaper for a "temporary lion tamer", hoping to get some applicants. The next day two people show up to be interviewed. A regular looking guy, and a tall, gorgeous blonde wearing a full length fur coat. The regular lion tamer interviews them, and gives instructions on their brief exercise that morning with the lions, to see if they have what it takes. He tells them," Be calm, and always use the chair and the whip to instruct and intimidate the lion. NEVER let go of the whip or the chair, whatever you do!". He asks them if the are ready for the exercise and they say yes. He asks who wants to go first, and the gorgeous woman says, right away, "I'm ready". The lion tamer is nervous about this, but says alright. So he escorts the woman to the big cage and goes in with her. He again reminds her, "Never drop the whip or the chair!". He leaves, and as he and the regular guy are watching one lion is let into the cage. The lion runs angrily around the cage and then spots the woman. He roars and runs straight for the woman. As he is about 10 feet from the woman she drops the whip and chair, and then drops her coat revealing that she is completely nude, and with a spectacular body. The best body the lion tamer and other guy have ever seen. The lion stops dead in his tracks, gets down on his belly, and slowly starts to crawl towards the woman, drooling and whining as he comes. He gets to her and she holds out her foot, which the lion starts licking, totally calm and satisfied. The lion tamer grins, looks at the guy, and says, "Well I'd like to see you top that!". The guy responds, "You get that fucking lion out of there, and I'll give it a shot!".

Dickhead

There is a thread for "Jokes and Humorous Stories" on the international sex guide, wherever that went to.

The lion tamer's understudy has had several months of training but finally has to go on stage for the first time when the lion tamer gets severely ill. A few minutes before the show, the understudy calls the veteran tamer and says, "If all else fails and the lion charges me, what should I do?"

The veteran replies, "Grab a lump of shit and fling it right in the lion's eyes!"

The understudy asks, "Where do I get the lump of shit?"

The veteran replies, "Don't worry; it'll be there."

Doggboy

When Jimmy Hoffa Jr. addressed the Teamster's union after winning the Presidency:

Question: "How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Answer: "Seven. You gotta problem with that?"

Dickhead

In Las Vegas they gamble so much that when you pick up a hooker you have to flip her to see if you get head or tail.

Lunico

After watching the world cup, I've decided this vdo has more than a grain of truth to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LacWlX5gOJI

Doggboy

Another,

Papa Benito is visiting his relatives in the big city, and develops a health problem. So, he goes to a big city doctor's office and walks in without an appointment. There are many fancy men and women sitting in the waiting room. Papa Benito walks up and rings the bell for the receptionist. She opens the window and asks,"May I help you? " Papa responds, "Yeah, I am having a problem with my dick!" The receptionist is outraged, and says, "Sir, we don't allow that kind of language in this office! You march outside, and come back in and then tell me in a civilized way what your problem is!" Papa says "Ok" and leaves, then walks back in. He rings the bell and the receptionist asks, "How can I help you sir?" Papa says, "I am having a problem with my ear". The receptionist smiles and asks, "What kind of a problem, sir?". Papa says, " I CAN'T PEE OUT OF IT!".

Doggboy

For the linguists,

After Exon had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss,y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Good Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied Exon. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Bumfuck Georgia we lack our Beefeaters real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Hound

I'm of Irish descent so I can get away with the following:

A Brit, Yank, and Mick are sitting at the bar with freshly drawn drought beers with frothy heads. Incredibly a fly alights in the foam or all three beers.

The Brit, trying to be proper, asks the bartender for the barspoon and removes the interloper.

The Yank, with forefinger and thumb, simply flicks his fly off the froth.

The Mick picks up his fly by the wings, turns it tailside up and while holding it over his glass shouts "Spit it out you dirty bastard".

Dickhead

Yeah me too so:

Q: How many Irish does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

Bjoel

Gramps wasn't doing well so his friend got together and hired a high priced hooker to cheer him up. When she shows she says I'm here to give you some super sex. Gramps says I think I'll have the soup.

Lunico

A tourist asks an argentine man if he has a match. After patting himself down with a semi-perplexed look on his face the argentine replies "No. But. I have a great body"!

Doggboy

As told to me by jealous cubans:

Why do Argentines go outside when it is lightening?

They think God wants to take their picture.

Fred88

Written in felt-tip pen on the front of a condom machine in the men's room of a truck stop in Arizona, circa 1970: "Don't buy this gum -- it tastes like rubber."

Stormy

Favorite graffiti also from the wall of a men's room. (1970's)

"Jesus saves. And Esposito grabs the rebound and scores!"